Each and every waking moment we are gifted with matters. As minute as some moments may seem, they are all important to our personal stories. One moment life is taking you on a joyride with the love of your life. The next moment, you're having a mental breakdown over a possible divorce from said "love of your life". No moment is perfect, but I try to make the best out of every situation. Every year my family does the same routine. We travel to my out-island family for a month and get away from the busy city-life.
Though it's ritualistic, it's also refreshing to enjoy the serenity of the islands. At least, that's how I feel. As for the rest of my family... not so much.
“Why do we have to go there every Summer? We could go anywhere on this planet, yet you want to go to an underdeveloped island with barely any WiFi. And for what... to see our family who barely checks for us throughout the year? Wow I can't believe you people!”
I swear my daughter, Rebecca’s mouth has no bounds when it comes to getting what she wants. For the past two years, she has been trying to stay with her cousin, Siah, instead of joining our family trip. I mean, I get it. She’s 15 and wants to have fun with her peers. There's no one on the island who is Rebecca's age. Plus, she hates when she has to supervise the kids there. I know. My little girl's growing up. Nonetheless, that still doesn't change my mind. This is a mandatory family trip of fun and connection. I endeavor to teach my children the importance of spending quality time with family. We have to be there for each other, no matter how we feel.
My silence towards Rebecca's rebellious remark answers her more gracefully than my words could ever try. Seeing that she was unable to reason with me, the wily little shit gives her dad that helpless, pleading face:
“Daddy can I please stay with Siah?”
She knows my poor husband, Finland, always had a hard time saying “no” to her, especially, when she does those damn puppy-dog eyes. I can already see him softening up to her with his sorry face, ready to give into her childish tantrum. Yet somehow, my confidence in him is unwavering. Keeping his mouth pinned like the good husband he wants to be, Finland overcomes the 15 year old enchantress. Seeing that her antics does not work, Rebecca goes on complaining, getting on everyone's nerves.
“Enough of this!” My 20 year old son, FJ sassily objects, “Find yourself and your bags in the car and cut out all this whining.”
“Oh shut up and go back to Michigan! Nobody asked you anything.” Rebecca clapped back.
“And it’s things like this that make me wonder why y’all stopped cutting these little CHILDREN’S asses.”
FJ turns to Finland and I with a face of repulsion and disappointment, as if we’re to blame for Rebecca’s insolence. In my defence, none of my children have ever been the quiet type. Even my 3 year baby boy, Ren gives me attitude when I take his toys away. They have surely given me a run for my money in the talking-back department. Though, in all honesty, I am no angel, but they definitely get that attribute from their father. As quiet as he is, Finland can be a hothead when he’s ready. If he wants something and can’t get it, you might as well consider Finland to be a time bomb. So, I won't judge or punish my children for being who they are. I'd rather help them work through their issues.
Either way, FJ’s words gets everyone in the car, and we are heading towards the airport. Finally! It’s vacation time! I had been fantasizing about this trip since Christmas. The family could really use some reconnecting. Ever since Finland... our family experienced a lost, and we have been needing a way to mend our brokenness.
As we pull up to the airport the air is surprisingly still. It is shockingly not crowded and the people who are here seem lifeless. They walk in staggered lines, zombie-like, as if they’re mindlessly heading over a cliff. About 3 people bumped into us so far. What the hell is going on today? Usually and especially during Summer, the airport is jammed with excited passengers and families to get to wherever it is they're going. I guess the upside to this is they're aren't many lines anywhere. Perfect! This is the perfect start to an amazing vacation!
Finland and FJ take our orders for snacks at Dunkin’ Donuts. Rebecca, Ren, and I go to get seats by our gate. As we walk through the hallway, Ren squeezes me the same way he does when he sees our Aunty Louise. Louise is one of those aunts who loves to pinch baby cheeks, and Ren has the chubbiest and cutest, little cheeks. Not to mention, Louise wears the worst makeup. No wonder she terrifies my kid, he probably thinks she's a ghost. I squeeze Ren and look into his eyes, reassuring him that everything will be okay and there is nothing to fear. He softens his grip.
When we get to the gate we receive an uneasy surprise. No one's there! Upon further inspection, there seems to be no one in this section of the airport at all. Almost immediately, the pleasantness of my feelings turn to trepidation. Did we miss a gate reassignment warning somewhere? Why does everything feel off? We must have been mistaken. I check our boarding passes and everything checks out. We're at the right place, but where is everybody?
A whirlwind of bickering comes hurling towards us by the gate. It's Finland and FJ, who are unsurprisingly arguing. Apart from sharing the same name, the two are completely different individuals, almost polar opposites. Ever since FJ started showing more submissive qualities (or as his very alpha male father would call it - feminine qualities), the two have been going at it like cats and dogs. It's gotten worse and more frequent since Finland... well since our family experienced a lost.
“I don’t see why you can’t pick one major and stick to it. You’re gonna end up in school for 6-7 years if you don’t pin down what you want.”
“Gee... sorry for wanting to explore my options. I guess I'd prefer to get into a career that I like and not something I’ll hate after the first week.”
“See that’s the problem with your generation now. You think that the world is going to wait for you to find something you like? You think that after ONE class you’ll know exactly what you want?”
The silence coming from FJ hints to me that he is contemplating nuclear annihilation. I know the rage that lives in my family. I know their limits and when they are fed up. I signal for Finland to sit and calm down, but he eagerly waits for a response from FJ.
“Don't answer me then. You gonna end up paying for your own damn tuition if you don’t figure out your shit soon! I’ll be damned if you think you’re gonna waste away all the money I have saved for this family.”
“This family here or your other one?”
We are all taken aback by FJ's words. Why would he bring up the affair and secret family, when we've finally started to grow past that? Afflicted with his own guilt and shame, my husband strikes FJ in the mouth, spilling coffee all over the ground. I rush to pull the two apart. The heat from the fire that burn between them scorches me. The tension of the area is immense and no one knows exactly what to say or do in this moment. My only fear on this trip was this moment - rekindling a fire that I thought we had put out and were starting to get over. God! Now the only thing I could think about is that bastard child he had with that bitch last year. Everything’s awkward now.
Encroached by the anger and rage in the air, Ren starts to cry inconsolably. I rock my baby in my arms as I try to calm him down, but he cries even harder. Pulsating with his overflowing anger, Finland spanks Ren on the hand, slightly hitting me in the process. As he goes on to reprimand him further, FJ flares up.
“Wow, so you want to hit the baby for doing what babies do. You’re such a fucking clown!”
“FJ! Stop it! That’s enough.” I scold him.
“Wow, so you can tell me to stop, but not the man who hit me and your baby… the same one who cheated on you with your co-worker? The same one who had a whole other family living good off of our pockets behind your back for years? Hmm… interesting.”
Rebecca joins in, “You’re such a bitch FJ… you really didn’t need to air out all our business like that. Your problem is you think you more of a woman than mommy.”
“Yeah and your problem is you think you could play up with all them l’il boys in school and not be a hoe. Well, the world doesn’t work like that sweetness!”
Where is the love? Where has it gone? I long for the moment when we could sit in union with each other. This is a time for connection, not arguments. I miss the way we were before - loving and considerate. So much has changed within the past year. I wish I could undo it all.
Breaking up the rage war is the voice of the gate attendant over the microphone announcing the boarding of our flight at a gate on the other side of the airport. Instinctively, the entire family hushes the row, grabs all of our things and runs toward the new gate. As we run through the airport I can't help but think of how much I am starting to hate this trip already. I can't believe I ever thought we could get past this. Maybe some fires never go out. Who knows? Maybe everything is meant to be annihilated.
Oh no! I think I'm letting anxiety get the best of me again. This trip is intended to be therapeutic for me. It has to and it will reset this shitty year we had as a family. Everything will be alright. I refuse to give up on this family! The love is there, we just have to rekindle it.
Finally, we make it to our gate, and get in our seats. There are other people on the plane around us, and the plane is set to fly 36,000 feet in the sky. No one has said a word for the past 20 minutes. All that running must have eased the tension. I guess since we couldn't get along by ourselves, maybe we can pretend for strangers. I hug Ren tightly as he shares his story of when he and his toy soldier saved a deserted worm. As much as his babbling can be incomprehensible and tiresome, it is what I love the most about him. He talks to me like I’m his best friend. No matter what noise is going on around us, my baby holds onto me and never lets go. See that’s the thing - everyone’s letting go too quickly. FJ, went off to college two years ago and barely calls us, Finland's out crazy hours, and Rebecca thinks being home is a sin. I miss having my family together. Though it feels like we're growing farther apart whenever we are together. This kills me. Before she passed in January, my mum told me to keep my family together, and that’s my one wish for this trip. I want us to reconnect and rekindle our love for each other. We could be so happy together, only if we try.
Hope becomes me until I get this uneasy feeling and notice FJ crying across the aisle in his seat. I know he has always had it rough, so all I want to do is console him. As I get up to switch seats with Rebecca; who is sitting beside him, Finland forces me down and blurts out: "Only sissies cry!" I watch as the stewardess struggles to hold her composure upon hearing the hurtful comment. The judgey stares from surrounding passengers carve holes in my back. I must end this now! Fighting back tears, I yelled at him,
"You will not speak to him in that way. You will respect this family and you WILL respect me. I don't care what any of you think. This will not be a trip of hate or sarcasm. We will go to see Aunty 'nem and you all will like it!"
I don't like raising my voice, but I am tired of this family's bullshit. I have been trying all year to keep it together, but no one acknowledges my efforts. I feel like my sanity is gradually being ripped from me.
All of a sudden Ren starts screaming his little lungs out. I must have scared him. He never sees me like this - so angry and flustered. I console him as I usually do, when suddenly, long violent shakes rattle the plane. The pilot announces it's just turbulence. This leads me to thinking about all the turbulence I experienced in my life, and how everything can be so calm and peaceful one moment, but chaotic the next. As imperfect as my family is I can't help but love these savage monsters. They're my mess and I'm proud of each and every one of them.
With that thought, it was as if the moment stood still. I saw my family frozen as if posing for a picture. From all directions, the noise stopped, the plane rode more smoothly and Ren stopped his crying. My anger may have taken them by surprise, but their quietness has me flabbergasted. As I look out the airplane window, I could see we're not too far away from the island. Ah... victory is near. I look around me at my family and realize how much we have survived. We went through some turbulence, but we are still here. Love wins. I knew it! Pondering on my epiphany, my baby-boy Ren says to me, “I love you mommy”. Pleasantly surprised, I hug and kiss his tiny little head.
Instantaneously, the smooth-riding plane takes a violent dive towards the ground. Ren holds me tightly and the family instinctively joins hands. The dive is quick and heavy. Oxygen masks are released from the overhead compartments. Somehow, I can hear the heartbeats of my loved ones; they're apologizing to each other. The seats shake vigorously and everyone on board is in a panic. My racing heart drowns out the feelings of disappointment and anger, and replaces them with urges of survival. I close my eyes as the thunderous sound of the plane crashing on the ground stuns my body.
Barely able to open my eyes, I can see the plane in the distance, snapped in half like a twig. There is a still dryness about the air. I look down at my body, and I can't find my legs. As a matter of fact, I can't see anything below my belly button. The pain is kicking in now. The pain of death, pain from an unlived life, and the pain of being a weary mother are beating my ass. Wait a minute. Where is my family? I look around. To my right, first, I see my dearest Rebecca's body is twisted out of proper alignment. Next, I see my brave boy FJ disassembled near to her. On my left, is my husband's body hanging from a tree above me. Just on my chest is my baby-boy attached to my upper half whimpering.
Oof… The pain quadrouples as if a million knives have struck my body at the same time. I can't breathe. Gasping for air, all physical sensations leave me. Yet somehow, I get this feeling of completion. This trip must have been ordained from the start to bring us all together. Look! Everyone’s here - broken pieces and all. To think, one moment we were arguing because we were all together, and now, we are all at peace being together. I can't believe it actually happened – this is the moment I've been hoping for. The dreadful time of our lives has finally come to an end. We made it. Here ends my last moment, and here ends the fucking best family vacation ever!
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